Report Cards: Diplomacy at its best
That time of year is approaching. The leaves are turning brown, and falling from the trees. The holidays are nothing more than a distant memory. The tunnel is long, and the light, distant. Teachers all around the state are gathering their thesauri, and preparing themselves for one of the greatest diplomatic ventures in history - the writing of half yearly school reports.
I have been digging around my old school reports to see what kind of student I was...well, more to find out what kind language my teachers used to express the fact that I was a complete brown-nosed over-achiever (I hear feigned gasps of disbelief) :)
In kindergarten, my report card states -
June: "Kristin has adjusted well to school routines. She has a good attitude and shows great interest in all activities."
November: "Kristin is a conscientious pupil with a bright personality. She has been a pleasure to teach with her good general knowledge."
So far, so good. This is similar to the report card I would give myself. No need for a thesaurus here, transparent reporting. Go me :)
Year 6 report card -
Semester 2: "Kristin has worked conscientiously and consistently in all subject areas throughout this term and her work and exam results reflect this. She always has a positive approach to her work and has a pleasant disposition."
Hmmm....."pleasant disposition". I am guessing that was teacher speak for being a right proper pain in the neck with my goodie two shoes approach to school and life. Well played though, Mrs McKew.
Year 7 report card - This is where we move into comments on each KLA. I now cringe at some of the comments, mostly because they do not really tell me, or more importantly my parents anything about my progress.
Religious Studies: "Kristin displays an impressive understanding of materials studied." Ha!
English: "Kristin is able to speak in formal situations. She writes with competence in a wide variety of styles. She is confident in the use of editing and proof-reading techniques." What she meant to say is, "Kristin could speak underwater with a mouthful of marbles. Her incessant nattering in class drives me up the wall, but she is able to correctly articulate Rutherford and Toronto, so she will go far in life."
Mathematics: "Kristin shows a good knowledge of algebraic calculations. She has a sound knowledge of geometrical facts". Translation - she is just scraping by, but by no means the bottom of the barrel.
Science: "Kristin can recall scientific principles. She can interpret a variety of forms of information and is able to use a wide range of practical and investigative skills to study a simple problem." This one smacks of being an over-achiever. "Uses a wide range of practical and investigative skills to study a simple problem" loosely translates to, "gives me 6 pages of writing, when 1 would have sufficed."
Australian Studies: "Kristin has the ability to observe, collect and record geographical information from a variety of sources. She competently draws and reads maps of varying types". So I had the ability, but did I ever do it?
Visual Arts: "Kristin has a very confident approach to colour and design in painting and has developed an excellent drawing technique. She also has good ceramic skills and can use clay effectively as a sculptural medium." Bless you Mr Broadbent. What he meant to say is, "Wow! This kid likes to think she is Picasso, but tone down the psychedelia luv! Her drawing has progressed from naked stick people, to stick people with clothing. In sculpture, I don't really know what she is trying to do, but as long as it makes her happy."
Design and Technology: :"Kristin demonstrates a high level of skills in interpreting and following instructions. She has a sound grasp of the principles involved in the selection of a healthy diet." I don't know who my teacher is talking about, I still remember getting in trouble for using a broom to clean the table...
PD/Health/PE:"Kristin can think critically and apply her ideas to lifestyle issues. She demonstrates outstanding interaction skills with others and the environment. Kristin has an excellent understanding of the role of individuals and communities in promoting health." Is it evident that Mr Vanderpoel was a newly trained teacher? He wins the award for the longest comment in my entire report card.
General Comment: "Kristen has continued to be a co operative, helpful student. She has actively involved herself in all forms of school activities. Kristin has matured as the year progressed." Ahh yes, here it is again, the pushy, nosey kid who is in everything but a sh*t sandwhich. I don't know if I matured, but I definitely got older :)
But enough about me. I now admire report cards from two perspectives, that of the parent, and of the teacher. I recall in previous years, marvelling at how my children's teachers had made my spawn sound like quite normal, adorable children. I have, on more than one occasion, marvelled at the diplomatic language used and been envious that I had not been clever enough to concoct such a literary gem.
Most primary schools (that I am aware of) provide specific reporting comments across all key learning areas (English, Maths, Science and Tech, HSIE, PDHPE and Creative Arts) as well as a general comment. For some students, it is simple to sing their praises and proudly declare to their parents that they are indeed a hard working and talented student. For others, we have to be a little more creative. There are many ways that you can express that a child is not yet achieving at the level which is expected of them. Rather than stating that they are 'failing', terms such as 'not yet demonstrating' or 'working towards demonstrating' are used. Even when discussing the general behaviour and attitude towards learning of many students, word play and diplomacy are the aim of the game.
So next time you read your child's school report, have a think about how you know your child to be, and how their class teacher is politely telling you about their achievement at school. If you really want a laugh, read your own report cards, or just read through this list of comments we would all love to see on a report card:
NEW SUGGESTED COMMENTS ON REPORT CARDS: From Teachingheart.net
-Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
-His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
-I would not allow this student to breed.
-This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
-Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
-When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
-He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
-This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
-He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
-This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
-This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
-Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
-A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
-He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
-He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
-I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
-He's been working with glue too much.
-He would argue with a signpost.
-He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
-When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
-If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
-A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
-Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
-Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
-Had two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
-If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
-If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
-If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
-It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made it to conception.
-One neuron short of a synapse.
-Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
-Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
-His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
I have been digging around my old school reports to see what kind of student I was...well, more to find out what kind language my teachers used to express the fact that I was a complete brown-nosed over-achiever (I hear feigned gasps of disbelief) :)
In kindergarten, my report card states -
June: "Kristin has adjusted well to school routines. She has a good attitude and shows great interest in all activities."
November: "Kristin is a conscientious pupil with a bright personality. She has been a pleasure to teach with her good general knowledge."
So far, so good. This is similar to the report card I would give myself. No need for a thesaurus here, transparent reporting. Go me :)
Year 6 report card -
Semester 2: "Kristin has worked conscientiously and consistently in all subject areas throughout this term and her work and exam results reflect this. She always has a positive approach to her work and has a pleasant disposition."
Hmmm....."pleasant disposition". I am guessing that was teacher speak for being a right proper pain in the neck with my goodie two shoes approach to school and life. Well played though, Mrs McKew.
Year 7 report card - This is where we move into comments on each KLA. I now cringe at some of the comments, mostly because they do not really tell me, or more importantly my parents anything about my progress.
Religious Studies: "Kristin displays an impressive understanding of materials studied." Ha!
English: "Kristin is able to speak in formal situations. She writes with competence in a wide variety of styles. She is confident in the use of editing and proof-reading techniques." What she meant to say is, "Kristin could speak underwater with a mouthful of marbles. Her incessant nattering in class drives me up the wall, but she is able to correctly articulate Rutherford and Toronto, so she will go far in life."
Mathematics: "Kristin shows a good knowledge of algebraic calculations. She has a sound knowledge of geometrical facts". Translation - she is just scraping by, but by no means the bottom of the barrel.
Science: "Kristin can recall scientific principles. She can interpret a variety of forms of information and is able to use a wide range of practical and investigative skills to study a simple problem." This one smacks of being an over-achiever. "Uses a wide range of practical and investigative skills to study a simple problem" loosely translates to, "gives me 6 pages of writing, when 1 would have sufficed."
Australian Studies: "Kristin has the ability to observe, collect and record geographical information from a variety of sources. She competently draws and reads maps of varying types". So I had the ability, but did I ever do it?
Visual Arts: "Kristin has a very confident approach to colour and design in painting and has developed an excellent drawing technique. She also has good ceramic skills and can use clay effectively as a sculptural medium." Bless you Mr Broadbent. What he meant to say is, "Wow! This kid likes to think she is Picasso, but tone down the psychedelia luv! Her drawing has progressed from naked stick people, to stick people with clothing. In sculpture, I don't really know what she is trying to do, but as long as it makes her happy."
Design and Technology: :"Kristin demonstrates a high level of skills in interpreting and following instructions. She has a sound grasp of the principles involved in the selection of a healthy diet." I don't know who my teacher is talking about, I still remember getting in trouble for using a broom to clean the table...
PD/Health/PE:"Kristin can think critically and apply her ideas to lifestyle issues. She demonstrates outstanding interaction skills with others and the environment. Kristin has an excellent understanding of the role of individuals and communities in promoting health." Is it evident that Mr Vanderpoel was a newly trained teacher? He wins the award for the longest comment in my entire report card.
General Comment: "Kristen has continued to be a co operative, helpful student. She has actively involved herself in all forms of school activities. Kristin has matured as the year progressed." Ahh yes, here it is again, the pushy, nosey kid who is in everything but a sh*t sandwhich. I don't know if I matured, but I definitely got older :)
But enough about me. I now admire report cards from two perspectives, that of the parent, and of the teacher. I recall in previous years, marvelling at how my children's teachers had made my spawn sound like quite normal, adorable children. I have, on more than one occasion, marvelled at the diplomatic language used and been envious that I had not been clever enough to concoct such a literary gem.
Most primary schools (that I am aware of) provide specific reporting comments across all key learning areas (English, Maths, Science and Tech, HSIE, PDHPE and Creative Arts) as well as a general comment. For some students, it is simple to sing their praises and proudly declare to their parents that they are indeed a hard working and talented student. For others, we have to be a little more creative. There are many ways that you can express that a child is not yet achieving at the level which is expected of them. Rather than stating that they are 'failing', terms such as 'not yet demonstrating' or 'working towards demonstrating' are used. Even when discussing the general behaviour and attitude towards learning of many students, word play and diplomacy are the aim of the game.
So next time you read your child's school report, have a think about how you know your child to be, and how their class teacher is politely telling you about their achievement at school. If you really want a laugh, read your own report cards, or just read through this list of comments we would all love to see on a report card:
NEW SUGGESTED COMMENTS ON REPORT CARDS: From Teachingheart.net
-Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
-His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
-I would not allow this student to breed.
-This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
-Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
-When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
-He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
-This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
-He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
-This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
-This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
-Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
-A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
-He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
-He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
-I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
-He's been working with glue too much.
-He would argue with a signpost.
-He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
-When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
-If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
-A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
-Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
-Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
-Had two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
-If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
-If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
-If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
-It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made it to conception.
-One neuron short of a synapse.
-Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
-Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
-His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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